Missing Baby Story

For more than a year, I've been trying to find the right words to share this in a way that will honor our daughter and explain my feelings about her loss.  Since I'm sure I never will, I know it's time.

In 2012, we hoped to have another baby.  I'd been experiencing some odd health-related issues.  Even while they were frustrating, I learned a lot.  It was one of the things that caused me to pursue non-toxic cleaning, whole foods, running, and even this blog!  I finally found out I was pregnant in July of 2012. (When I say finally, I realize that many people struggle and wait much longer than I did.  It just felt long at the time!)

Two weeks later, I had some signs of possible miscarriage when I woke up.  I called my nurse midwife and she arranged an ultrasound and blood test that afternoon. At the ultrasound, the technician found a gestational sack, but the baby was too small to see.  This meant one of two things: either the baby had stopped growing, or the due date had been estimated at least three weeks too soon.  My midwife ordered blood work to check if my hCG levels matched the correct age of the baby.  If my hormone levels were too high for the gestational age, it would mean that the baby had stopped growing.  The results came back just over an hour later, and my hormone levels matched the ultrasound to put me at five weeks pregnant instead of eight.  Even though that gave us some hope, I was pretty sure I wasn't three weeks off.  

For the next week, I had my hCG levels checked every 2-3 days hoping for a significant increase that would indicate growth.  Each time, there was an increase, but not nearly what they were looking for.  It was pretty awful to be strung along on a thread of hope that seemed unlikely.  I would have preferred a clear answer one way or the other.  My follow up ultrasound about a week after the first showed no change in the baby's size and confirmed that she was no longer alive.

Only God knows for sure whether our baby was a boy or a girl, but we think of her as a little girl.  We decided to give her the name Story Hope.  I like to think of her holding my dad's hand and waiting to meet me in Heaven someday.  

I still have such mixed emotions about my second pregnancy.  As with many women who have had miscarriages, I got pregnant again a few months before Story's due date, and if she had been born, I never would have had my wonderful little baby J who is sleeping on my chest while I type this.  That makes me happy and sad at the same time.  

On her estimated birthday, March 23rd, I felt almost nothing.  But on April 23rd, I realized that part of me had been assuming she'd be born late.  A month after, though, I should have been holding a newborn.  That's when I realized how much I missed her.  

For Mother's Day, I was given a necklace with little footprints and a March birthstone so that I could have something to remember my second baby by before my third was born.  I wore that necklace right up to J's birth.  Unfortunately, I had to stop wearing most jewelry because baby J just about ripped it off my neck!  But every time I see it, I remember how much I love Story.  

I lived my first 25 years relatively peacefully, but since then, I've lost my dad, my grandpa, baby Story, and I have faced other significant challenges in my life.  I prayed then and continue to pray that God will cause me to grow through these circumstances, and that he will provide ways for me to share and help others through theirs.  I've already had many great opportunities, and I welcome more.  

When we knew that my dad probably wasn't going to live much longer, he asked me to help pick music for his funeral.  I chose a song that I would want at my own funeral--a Chris Tomlin song called "I Will Rise."  Here are just a few of the lyrics:

There's a peace I've come to know, though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul, I can say "It is well"
Jesus has overcome, and the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won, He is risen from the dead

If you don't have this peace and hope in Christ, please know that it is not far away.  If you would like to know more, send me a comment.  (I'll keep them private.)  Psalm 103 says that the Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in love.  

Happy birthday Story!  Your mom loves you!